How Can I Tell If My Partner Has Borderline Personality Disorder?

Making a marriage work is hard work. And it gets exponentially harder when your partner or spouse begins to show signs that something is not quite right with them, mentally speaking.

• Worried that your husband or wife is acting far too impulsively of late?
• Do you feel their sudden outbursts of anger and constant mood swings might be a sign of something more severe?
• Have you been walking on eggshells around them because you feel anything you say or do will trigger them to explode yet again?

At its core, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is characterised by instability and impulsiveness. Instability in mood, behaviour, and sense of self. As for impulsiveness, that could be binge eating one moment, going on a shopping spree the next.

In this article, let’s look at some common signs that your partner might be suffering from BPD, and what you can do to help them.

8 Signs Your Partner/Spouse Might Be Suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

1. Displaying a constant fear of abandonment

People suffering from BPD live in constant fear that their partner or spouse will leave them for good. Because of this fear, they can’t help themselves when they act unreasonably or make outrageous claims.

Does your spouse, even after a minor argument, seem absolutely convinced you are going to walk out on them? Do they sometimes cast baseless accusations on you, like — why did you come home so late last night … you’re cheating on me, aren’t you? Or, who was that on the phone just now, was it him?

The sad irony of it all is that the fear of abandonment sometimes works like a self-fulfilling prophecy: Even if the partner of someone suffering from BPD was not cheating or planning to leave, they end up doing so because the relationship got too hard to sustain.

2. Rollercoaster relationships

People with BPD usually have very unstable relationships that alternate between periods of intense love and adoration, followed by loud, passionate arguments and bursts of extreme anger.

If your spouse is showering you with love and presents one moment, then shouting at you or looking to pick up a fight the next, that could be a sign they’re suffering from BPD.

3. Extreme mood swings

Does your spouse seem angry, then sad, then happy, then anxious — all within the same hour or two?

The moods of people suffering from BPD are all over the place. They jump from one emotion to another in a very short period of time. This is because they don’t stop to think about each emotion before giving into it. They feel it, they show it. This lack of an internal regulator causes them to overreact to everything that happens around them.

4. Chronic feeling of emptiness

Does your partner often express a deep emptiness within that can never be filled? Do they complain about feeling lonely even when they are surrounded by people?

People with BPD often try to fill that inner void with things and experiences from the outside world. Problem is, that void has a hole at the bottom and can thus never be filled, leaving the sufferer of BPD with a perpetual hollow feeling.

5. Super impulsive behaviour

We all like to be impulsive every once in a while. It’s fun, thrilling, and a great way to break the monotony. But for people with BPD, that monotony is not just deeply depressing but constant. They hate feeling that way, and they feel it all the time, so they go to any lengths to try and get rid of it.

Substance abuse, binge eating, binge drinking, splurging on expensive items, risky sexual behaviour, reckless driving — a person with BPD will do whatever it takes to feel better inside. And they do feel better once they give into their impulses, but that feeling is very short-lived because they are essentially putting a bandaid on a bullet wound.

6. Identity disturbance

Does your spouse like to change facets of their appearance and personality often? Are they a redhead one day, a brunette the next? Do they frequently change their own names (Jim today, Jonas tomorrow, James the day after, then Jared, etc.)?

People with BPD have a fragmented and unstable sense of self. This causes them to feel uncertain about their goals, values, and basic sense of identity. They don’t know who they really are, and are always changing parts of their appearance or entire personas in the hope of finding some inner stability which never arrives.

7. Self harming / suicidal behavior

Does your partner physically harm themselves in front of you in order to stop you from leaving? Do they threaten to kill themselves if you don’t pay them more attention?

People with BPD may often cut, burn, and hit themselves in front of their spouse. In more severe cases, they may even threaten to — and might also — commit suicide. They engage in such behaviour because they simply cannot manage the pain and numbness that comes with the fear of abandonment.

8. Verbal and physical outbursts

Because people suffering from BPD are unable to regulate their inner emotional clocks, they are prone to sudden and strong outbursts of emotion that usually manifest in the form of anger and aggression. The triggers for these outbursts could be as trivial as glancing the wrong way at them, not noticing the colour of their dress or a new haircut, talking about a certain person, showing up late for dinner, etc.

These outbursts can be verbal, physical, or both. They come about so suddenly and so intensely that it terrifies everyone around them. The anger often subsides quickly, and is followed by acute guilt and remorse. This causes the fear of abandonment to resurface, which could further trigger self-harm and suicidal behavior. A vicious, self-perpetuating cycle on full display.

What Should You Do If You Think Your Partner Is Suffering From Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

If your spouse is suffering from or showing signs of BPD, you might feel guilty about not being able to help them or for being the cause of their sickness. You might often find yourself wondering: I should have done this or I should have said that. What can I do to stop my husband or wife from acting out?

The truth is — there isn’t much you can do.

While you might think it’s possible to diagnose the condition yourself after watching some videos and reading some articles, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a notoriously difficult disorder to diagnose and treat, even for a professional. This is because BPD mimics the symptoms of many other mental disorders like bipolar disorder, histrionic personality disorder, dissociative identity disorder, etc.

The eight signs we listed above are a handy guide to help you get the ball rolling. These signs might vary in intensity and frequency from person to person, but if you notice many of them in your partner’s current behaviour, it might be time for the next step.

What is the next step?

Getting your partner into therapy as soon as possible.

Since this might be hard to do for obvious reasons (suggesting therapy might cause them to have another outburst or worse), you could try a different tactic. Instead of suggesting therapy for BPD, you could suggest therapy for one of their underlying issues caused by BPD. These could be overspending, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving, etc.

Using this tactic might get them in a headspace where they are ready to at least consider therapy. From there, through gentle hand-holding and tons of patience, and with the right therapist, of course, you and your partner could be on your way to finding true happiness again.

Remember: Most BPD treatments are lifelong. So it’s vital that you and the rest of your family prepare yourselves mentally and financially for the treatment of your loved one.